Top ten Hollywood bad guys and girls

Top ten Hollywood bad guys and girls



Canada.com


Published: Sunday, August 05,



Ben Carrozza, CanWest News Service


For some reason, there are a lot of hang-ups, rules and taboos in our society about killing each other. We're not supposed to do it and we're definitely not supposed to like it. But is it okay to watch someone else do it and enjoy that? Hollywood says "Yes!" As long as it's fake, of course!

It's especially OK to enjoy movie death and decimation when it looks awesome. Whether it's a graceful decapitation or intricate disemboweling, some characters just make slaughter sublime. Maybe even to the point where, you know, you'd be cool with them doing it to you.

In advance of Matt Damon's chest-puncturing return as super-spy/combat artist Jason Bourne in The Bourne Ultimatum, I take a look at 10 movie badasses who I would let kill me.

-- Ash (Bruce Campbell) -- Evil DeadHow it would go down: The only way to have Ash kill me is if I'm already dead -- or already a "Deadite," that is a hideous member of the Evil Dead. I guess I've had a good run, so I'm game. Once I'm all zombie'd up, it's just a matter of terrifying moments before Ash shows up, drops a line, like, "Yo, Skullface. Come get some!" and blasts or shreds my undead ass.

Why it would be rad: Dude carries around a double-barreled, sawed-off shotgun and has a chainsaw attached to his arm. What isn't cool about getting whacked by this guy? (Also, being a zombie isn't as glamorous as it looks, what with all the decaying issues and whatnot.)

-- Damien -- The Omen

How it would go down: Needing to corrupt and control the world is key for the 18-34 year old demographic, and Damien would seek to insinuate himself into an influential position of power. That's where I come in. Everyone knows entertainment journalists drastically affect the hearts and minds of millions on a daily basis. I'm working late at the office. Damien uses misdirection to get through security, then sends me one of those scary face e-mails that always make you jump (with his mind, not a PDA!). I open it, get startled and stumble back into the huge pile of promotions material we need to sort through. It crushes me to death as an ominous, minor-key chorus chant crescendos in the background.

Why it would be rad: Getting aced by the son of Satan is prestigious in its own twisted sort of way.

-- King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) -- 300

How it would go down: After messing up my time travel coordinates (I was hoping to wind up someplace less trendy, like Phoenicia), I totally end up choosing the wrong side of this whole Persia-Greece thing. Leonidas in all his (militarily absurd) half-nakedness hurls a spear in slow motion that flies through eight other dudes and into my face. He finishes me off with a sword in the gut.

Why it would be rad: This involves time travel, so it's pretty awesome already. Plus, getting stabbed like that affords you enough time before death to have the mighty Spartan king lean forward and yell: "Speak lengthy to them of this day of valour and mighty deeds -- and tell them of the bitter taste of Spartan steel ... IN HELL!!" Yes!


-- Inspector Yuen (Chow Yun-Fat) and Tony (Tony Leung) -- Hard Boiled

How it would go down: Thanks to my involvement with various figures in the Hong Kong underworld, I end up face to face with one or both of these tough cops in a teahouse by the docks. I run through the place as they shoot it up, two-fisting .45 pistols and leaving empty shells and splintered tables in their wake. When a Triad boss and his cronies burst in and start raining lead, the two cops dive off in different directions but switch guns and continue shooting as the place comes apart. It's all so awesome, I don't realize I've been shot in the outer liver. I die with tears of joy in my eyes.

Why it would be rad: The whole thing is shot using one long, continuous take.

-- Mr. (Brad Pitt) and Mrs. Smith (Angelina Jolie) -- Mr. & Mrs. Smith

How it would go down: The hit will probably involve the married assassins contorting their bodies into a beautiful pretzel of deadly sensuality, while exchanging suggestive quips and puns. Eventually, they kill me but not before his shirt and her skirt are somehow completely destroyed. They passionately embrace and make love beside my body.

Why it would be rad: No matter what happens, I can be sure it'll be sexy and cool and (most importantly) look flawless.

-- The cast of The Matrix

How it would go down: For no particular reason, the heroes would erupt from the side of an opaque black glass building, half of them in a black sports car and the other half in a black helicopter. Everything would be in slow motion (which makes it really hard to escape). Trinity is driving the car with one hand and stoically shooting with the other. Did I mention I was on a motorbike? Neo jumps out of the helicopter, empties a magazine of bullets into my bike, then kung-fu kicks me in the back of the head as it explodes. The bike, not my head. Morpheus stands up through the car's sunroof. He finishes me off with a samurai sword as the car passes (slowly) by.

Why it would be rad: It would be really slow, so I'd have more time to appreciate how friggin' awesome it all is!

-- The Bride (Uma Thurman) -- Kill Bill

How it would go down: It's late. I'm trying to squeeze in a quick meal at a Ginza sushi bar before I head to Narita airport, then home. Somehow, I don't notice that the mysterious figure in robes beside me is actually a sexy, international assassin until it's too late. The proprietors will be cleaning my blood off surfaces in the place for the next four months. Guess I shouldn't have helped kill a pregnant lady.

Why it would be rad: Two words: Samurai sword. If I could add eight words to that: hot babe in a yellow jumpsuit with a samurai sword.

-- Jules Winnfield (Samuel Jackson) -- Pulp Fiction

How it would go down: I could see my uncle Gooch getting me involved in some scheme that would inevitably lead to Jules looking for my white ass. I would come home with some burgers one day and there he is in his black suit. He'd pull a gun, go into that whole Ezekiel 25:17 quote and it would be looking bleak. For some reason, I would interrupt and get into a long-winded argument about how he quotes Scripture wrong. This would soon move into a discussion about an obscure pop-culture reference from the early 1970s -- maybe a horror comic or the film Black Belt Jones -- and we would discover a common ground. Just as it seems Jules might let me go, he caps me as the gun accidentally discharges in my face to hilarious results!

Why it would be rad: Lots of dialogue, self-indulgent pop-culture references and an explosion of literally in-your-face violence would make this a "critics' choice" of a death.

-- Darth Vader -- Star Wars

How it would go down: I never should have told that Ithorian I was a Jedi! (Leave it to me to trust a life-form with two mouths. Sigh!) With the Emperor's whole "no Jedi" policy in full effect, he sends his best man to take me out. Since I'm not one of the major human hero Jedis or one of the weird but cool looking alien ones -- like with tusks or tentacles or whatever -- Darth Vader would just kill me as part of some montage sequence. Most likely with his lightsabre, but maybe with that cool choke thing he does. Definitely not with the force lightning, though.

Why it would be rad: I've wanted Darth Vader to kill me since I was four years old, so this is the realization of a lifelong goal.

-- Milla Jovovich in any action movie

How it would go down: Zombies or vampires would interrupt my hours-long make-out session with Milla. We'd fight with them for a bit and then escape. I would hide the fact that I was bitten, saving Milla's life until it was too late. We would say a tear-filled goodbye, during which she would confess how she had always been in love with me and why (oh why?) had she not said anything until then. I would turn into a zombie or vampire. She would do the splits backwards and totally kill me with a flamethrower. She would never love again.

Why it would be rad: I get to make out with Milla Jovovich and turn into a zombie that gets killed by her. That's nothing but upside.




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